All my life, I've only known comparison.
When I was a child, cousins and siblings were constantly being compared about school, grades and such. Just as what most kids had to go through. And as an average student, being compared to felt so horrible. Do you know how it feels to have your own parents comment how bad your grades were? Do you know how disappointed I was when I felt like my parents were not even the least proud of any slight improvements? No, it did not make me motivated when I knew I wasn't as good as everyone else. No, it did not make me try and work harder. It just sucked.
When I was younger, as a friend, I always felt left out. I was a very quiet kid, and it was difficult for me to be around new people. So I stuck close to the "friends" I thought I had. And in that group, it was difficult to not be compared as "how good a friend you are". I was always trying to do something to prove my loyalty and friendship. After high school graduation, I still tried to keep in contact with them. Then, somewhere along, I met real friends and I realized how dumb and silly I was. Don't get me wrong, there were happy and fun times. But I realized that being a friend was accepting and loving the person the way they are. So to save myself from the misery, I gave them an ultimatum and broke off contact with them.
I grew up. Got a job and was ultimately trampled on again and again because I was the quiet one who would not "make a fuss". Again, I felt like I was constantly being compared to other newcomers, constantly thinking why I was not given more tasks and responsibilities. Was it because I seemed like I was too young and naive, that I did not seem responsible enough? Was it because I was too quiet, and did not stand up for my own rights? So I tried to change from the timid and quiet girl to someone that was more outgoing and "lively".
Do you know how silly it sounds, trying to change your own characteristics and personality that you were born with? Just to want to be accepted more by others and to feel better about myself.
But I had to. I had to try and change so that I would not fear about what others think. I had to force myself to speak up so that I would not get "bullied" into doing things that wasn't fair to me. I had to change, because in this world, every one is constantly judging, whether they show it or not.
As I got older, all these faded away. Actually, I tried to brush it off. I told myself "you're an adult now, you should be in control". Then today, it came rushing back.
I've felt so horrible for months now, but I tried to tell myself that it should not matter. That it was not a crime nor much of a bad thing to be who I am. But to have your own family comment those things without a second thought, how could it not hurt? It felt like all my worst fears and selfish feelings were confirmed, without hesitation.
Yes.
I can't cook. I don't do chores. I am quiet. I don't know how to hold a proper conversation with people. I get awkward and shy. I can be ignorant and blunt.
In short, I can pretty much be referred to as a pampered brat.
"Do you think people won't show favoritism?" "Do you know how you will look like when people compare you to... ?" "You have to learn to do... and ...." "You are in someone else's home, you cannot continue behaving this way."
But I was brought up this way. All my life, since I was young. I was given the luxury of life without having to lift a finger. And of course I know all of this. And I tried, and am still trying my best to change. I'm always trying to be the person that others expect me to be. But I have so many sides of myself, I don't even know who I am anymore.
This seems more like selfish ramblings, even I can't take this as I type this post.
But I really have to let it all out. And now I'm done wallowing in self-pity.
