on the surface

I know I've always been insecure, be it mentally, emotionally or physically. 

But I didn't realize that I've been getting worse.

Of course, I am totally not a confident person. 

I ball up in crowds, avoid any eye contact when uncomfortable, become a total wallflower and..

still get jelly legs & a shaky voice when I've to do any presentations in front of groups, even after 3yrs of 'training' in RP. 

I personally think I'm much better, compared to my younger days, when I'm a total mouse.

But there are some things that are difficult to change, and no matter how hard I try, these are some that I can't change.

What I can change, is my physical image/appearance.

Because like what they say "If you look good, you feel good", right?

So I change, and I have become more vain just to make myself feel good, to have the slightest bit of confidence.

These days, a simple casual negative remark could set me off. It would just replay in my head over & over again.

So I'd spend hours thinking and researching for a solution.

I don't know if 's age or what, but I've been spending more time & money on the looks department.

I've been going to more beauty/grooming parlours, watching makeup tutorials, etc.

I've been trying hard to get rid of my icky 'allergy' on the lips, how to get better double eyelids to enlarge my beady eyes,

how to have a better diet, researching on home workouts, the costs for braces and teeth-whitening, etc.

Sometimes I feel tired. Other times, I feel pathetic. I just have to deal with this, don't I?
I guess I just want to feel good enough, even if I can't be good enough.

Because really, in a realistic world, when is enough ever really enough?